Always remember that love is like a dream of flying, one that always ends with your soul shattered on the rocks.

Always remember the look in people's eyes when they realize who you are. Cherish that look. It means you're safe.

Always make sure your knives are sharp...unless you're feeling particularly mean. Then use a spoon.

When torturing someone for information, always make sure that your boots have sturdy, non-slip soles. If you think walking on blood is slippery, try innards.

Never show anyone the stuffed giraffe. They're just not programmed to understand, are they Mr. Snufflebottoms?

Looking mysterious always makes you look like you gotta piss. Just grin and they’ll be forced to wonder what you’re laughing at.

Don’t expect an Englishman to get it. Remember--he’s not Irish.

If you see a buncha people standing around at an elevator, looking like they’re waiting for something, then for God’s sake, don’t go up and push the button. It’s irritating and obnoxious and... just don’t do it.

Don’t go into Victoria’s Secrets and ask if they have anything in men’s sizes. They look at you weird.
On second thought, *do* go in and ask for men’s sizes. Those poor ladies need something to brighten up their dull and otherwise meaningless existences.

If a dog licks you, don’t worry. He’s just being friendly. If you lick a dog, go straight to a doctor then a psychiatrist, you sicko...

Don’t take a Logic class and automatically assume to become logical. Instead, take a Logic class and expect to cry a lot.

Wear funky tee-shirts. You may feel like an idiot, but it makes other people smile like even *worse* idiots.

Remember that people never like a smart ass. Make smart-assed comments anyways.